I love my dog, but sometimes I don’t like my dog
Oof! Harsh words, huh? Ever felt like you don’t like your dog sometimes?
Whether or not you’ve ever said the quiet part out loud, I think this topic is quite relatable to my followers, and especially some of my clients.
Some of them have admitted it to me directly, and some of them don’t say it but might be feeling it. This is common in cases where dogs are experiencing aggression, and also common with puppies when caregivers get the “puppy blues”. For a lot of people, there is an incongruence between what their expectations were or the lifestyle they envisioned with their dogs, and the reality of life.
This is something I actually hear a lot with regards to family members that my friends or my own family have gone no contact with: “I will always love xyz person, but I don’t like them anymore.” This is more identifiable with regards to human relationships, but we don’t really talk about it in our pet relationships.
These words came out of my mouth to a colleague in regards to my own dogs, just this morning. I’d like to talk about this because it’s not only therapeutic for me, but also normalizes the range of feelings we might go through as caretakers to pets.
If you have ever worked with me before, you know I am REALLY keen on self-care for overburdened caregivers. You need to put on your own oxygen mask first, before you can help others.
We all exercise self-care differently, and writing has always been a way that I can express myself. I need to get it all down on paper so that I can begin to digest it.
So, here it goes…
Mornings aren’t my strong suit. I am an insomniac and my sleep hygiene is trash. I am often under-slept, and I don’t function well when I am tired. It doesn’t take much in the morning to overstimulate me really quickly.
This morning in beautiful Chicago, it was cold and pouring rain. These will always be challenging days for our household routines. My dogs HATE the rain (like most dogs) and refuse to use the yard. I have a 50/50 shot that day that they will pee or poop on my floor at some point. This usually happens when I am late, very busy, and feeling dreary because of the rain.
When it is raining, I have to stand outside with them and cue them “go potty” while pointing out to the yard. My big, brave, 100-lb Doberman spent 10 minutes pacing the yard with his butt tucked low or standing still looking miserable while I stood in the rain, getting absolutely drenched in the clothes I had planned to wear.
He never did end up going and I was so frustrated. When I came inside the house, I could feel the tension in my body as I wiped his paws off. Then, I realized that Elvis had peed on the floor behind the kitchen table at some point between 6 AM when my husband let him out, and 8 AM when I woke up. This is most likely because he was let out and stood under the awning or didn’t fully empty his bladder at 6 AM because of the rain.
Let me tell you - I. LOST. IT. GUYS.
Immediately I put them into my room because I needed space and I was about to meltdown. I let out a loud, aggravated, “UGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH” at my counter as I collected cleaning supplies, and then ranted profusely while I cleaned up the floor and my daughter sat at the table eating her cereal, with wide eyes.
“We are never having dogs again when they are gone. Don’t ever ask me for another dog, and especially don’t ever ask me for a puppy.”
Harsh.
Did I mean it? Maybe, actually. Recently, I have been quietly thinking about it. I have had dogs for 20 years and hundreds of fosters come through my doors. My floors are destroyed and my backyard is a mud pit. I’ve gone through a countless number of couches and I feel like I can never have anything nice.
It is not their fault, it is just the way it is when you own pets. This sounds selfish and self-centered. It makes me feel guilty for even prioritizing these things but guess what, I am a human being with conflicting feelings on things. Not everything is black and white.
I think I need a healthy break from dog ownership to collect myself. I need to not rush into another dog for several years. I’m sure I’ll know when the timing is right again.
But, saying it out loud hit differently, and I apologized to my daughter. I let her know I wasn’t mad at her and that I was just frustrated and sad with the situation. This made us late for school and cut into my decompression time before I was to begin private in-home sessions for the day. I know - ME, ME, ME, ME.
I texted my husband and let him know what happened and how it made me feel. Both our dogs are seniors, and so the discussion of what type of dog we’d get next - or maybe even not at all - is not a new conversation for us. He has been feeling like we need a break for a long time.
None of this means we do not love our dogs. This does not mean that if they got sick or injured and needed care, that we wouldn’t put ourselves in the poor house to fix them. We absolutely would, and have, gone to extremes to save their lives - because WE LOVE THEM.
But, sometimes they do crap and we don’t like it. Sometimes it feels like we don’t like them. It’s almost like a lover’s quarrel! We get so angry and when the smoke settles, we remember why we enjoy the beings we live with. Tomorrow they will bring us joy and many days to follow, hopefully (<— see those conflicting feelings).
I got to Dunkin Donuts for my coffee and sat in the parking lot before my client to decompress. I had said what I needed to say in the heat of the moment, and now I needed to reflect on why I felt that way.
One thing I always try to express to my clients is that we truly cannot control the way we feel. Feelings are a knee-jerk, emotional reaction that are sometimes devoid of logic.
We CAN control how we respond to the way we feel. Identifying where those feelings come from can be really helpful and ease some guilt.
Wheel of Emotions
Look at this astonishing array of feelings that we are capable of. Most people can easily identify the middle of the wheel, but within those core emotions lies a plethora of others.
Here is what I personally identified this morning:
Sad -> Lonely -> Vulnerable -> Despair -> Guilty -> Depressed -> Isolated -> Fragile -> Powerless -> Inferior
Disgusted -> Disapproving -> Disappointed -> Embarrassed -> Appalled
Angry -> Let Down -> Mad -> Aggressive -> Frustrated -> Resentful -> Furious -> Hostile -> Infuriated -> Annoyed
Bad -> Busy -> Stressed -> Tired -> Overwhelmed -> Out of Control -> Sleepy -> Unfocused -> Rushed
I could probably make the case that I also felt some other areas like fearful and surprised. I know that after I had that reaction and said those things, I felt GUILTY AS HELL. I know that it makes me feel inadequate when my dogs have accidents and/or I have a human reaction to situations surrounding my dogs.
Breaking down what I really went through and what drove me to say those things was really helpful. I felt less bad about my outburst and could understand clearly why I felt so overwhelmed in that moment. It was A LOT of mixed emotions to go through in a short period of time.
It is OK to be frustrated with your dog
All this to say, my dear followers, is that it is OK to feel overwhelmed and frustrated with your dogs. It happens.
Yes, even dog trainers have crappy days. Dog trainers almost never have the most “well-behaved” dogs. A lot of us take in really difficult dogs and keep them, or became dog trainers because these dogs that we adopted were difficult, and we didn’t understand or have the tools to fix it.
Furthermore, “obedience” and “manners” are a human construct - a totally made-up set of rules that we hold ourselves to, but that don’t always apply to other species. When dogs don’t fit into our narrow view, that can be aggravating, disheartening, and make us feel disillusioned.
In my heart, I know that I cannot reason with my dog. But damn, if he would just lift his friggin’ leg and go pee, he’d be back inside and warm in under a minute. Instead, we both stood there miserable and getting soaked. Such is life, I guess.
To add insult to injury, I came home from clients to poop on the floor. LOL.
Anyway, I hope this makes you feel better and even if you’re dealing with something more severe than this, please know that I understand.
Please take care of yourselves and do something nice for yourselves. I know that I will be knocking out some follow-ups and then I plan to vegetate and watch a movie. It’s the perfect, rainy day to hunker down on the couch and cuddle with my dogs that I really do love so much. In fact, I am looking forward to getting under the blankets with them.
All will be right with the world again, soon.
If you read this and didn’t judge me, you are my people. Thank you for existing.
Written by: Jessie Kasper IAABC-ADT, FDM, FFCP, PNCC
Mindful Methods Companion Coaching
